Don’t cry for the girl I use to be….

Many of you may know I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2016 but I never had the courage to say why. I have a lot of fear speaking publicly about it. I didn’t want to seem weak or be pitted. I didn’t want to risk the possibility of someone saying I asked for it or to being called a liar. I didn’t want to make the people involved feel bad. I didn’t want to feel embarrassed. So instead of healing that, I got obsessed with wanting to heal others. I jumped into life-coaching. I started a Podcast and posted content daily on social media to help others who struggle with their mental health. I was helping everyone but ME.

I guess you could say I didn’t want to face the pain. I wanted to skip right into forgiveness. Telling myself "The people who hurt me didn’t know any better", seemed easier rather than allowing myself to feel. For many years I didn’t even let myself cry. I saw it as a weakness. There is so much that I buried. All the yoga classes, breathing exercises, self-help books, and diet changes in the world wouldn't heal me unless I actually allow myself to FEEL.

More recently I have spoken a lot about letting yourself feel your emotions. This is something I struggle with the most. Every time I feel a panic attack coming, I run from it. I used to numb it with alcohol but that only made things worse. I don’t usually tell anyone when I'm having an episode and I try my best to act like it's not happening. I struggle to allow my body to express what it so desperately needs to express. Its pain.

Not only was I sexually, physically and mentally assaulted on multiple occasions, but I was also raped. My mom’s ex-boyfriend, a “family friend, a guy who I was on a first date with, a coworker, and two of them were guys I was in relationships with. Sadly, I feel so much shame around what was done to me. Shame for going back to abusive relationships. Shame for not reporting the rape because I didn’t want to admit to myself what had happened. Shame that I trusted that coworker. My hands are shaking as I write this, and I can hear God trying to get through to me “It wasn’t your fault and the shame you carry is not yours to carry”.

If I was guilty of anything it is being naïve and not having boundaries. This PTSD has forced me to spiral in the opposite direction, because now I’m fucking afraid of everything. I’m in constant fear of danger and my mind is always on high alert. Normal day to day things are hard for me like being in a car or going to public places. Lound noises and bright lights overstimulate me. Even sometimes when I'm home, in my safety net, I will feel panic wash over me for no reason at all. I spend the majority of my time self-regulating. It’s exhausting!

I always thought PTSD was only for those who went to war, but looking back on everything I went through it makes sense. My life was very much a battle. I was a warrior trying to survive life. I spent 27 years just trying to push through it. Then one day my body said enough is enough. I had to make changes to create a safe and peaceful living environment. I just wish my mind would catch up because she still thinks there is a threat. The battle I have now is with the unhealed versions of myself. There are days I cry hopelessly, wondering if I will be like this forever. But I'm learning to be patience and loving through this process.

I share all this to take my power back. I’m finding strength by not always being the strong one. Or rather, redefining what strength is. I’m finding my strength by allowing myself to FEEL whatever the fuck it is I need to FEEL. Its time I show up and provide space for myself so I can alchemize this pain. That’s what 5-year-old me wanted this whole time. Not to save the world, but to save her.

It took me some time, but I’m here now…..